it felt cathartic to write all of that out but also terrifying because i never told anyone how i felt, and how i still feel, because i want to seem perfectly put together and “over it” to everyone, but that involves a lot of bottling up and faking and pretending and sometimes it’s just too much.
Okay you know what, I’m going to write about it. The worst thing about feeling trapped by unpleasant interactions with someone who hurt you is that I can’t even mention it to anyone, because I should be “over it” by now. But this upcoming event is particularly hard, for reasons that I never told anyone. So I’m going to write about it.
Hey I wonder when the day will come when I can find out that we’re both going to be at an event without feeling nauseous. When I can enter a room and not frantically scan the crowd to make sure you aren’t there. When I can hear or read your name without my stomach dropping. I wish I could chemically erase all of you from my brain, so when our paths crossed, it wouldn’t affect me any more than passing a stranger in the supermarket. I hate feeling like this.
well then a video of a dog teaching a puppy how to go down stairs made me cry again so I think it’s just an emotional night for me okay????